Start with “I don't know”

Start with "I don't know"

Most of the times I have gotten myself into deep trouble have begun with a thought. A thought or belief of which I was absolutely convinced - and a thought or belief that in reality was 100% wrong.

It could have started with my parents. God knows they thought they knew considerably more than they did. Or it could have started with my Sunday School teachers. They certainly asserted as fact so many things that in truth were fiction.

It could have started with my hometown. A city considered by many to be the buckle of the Bible Belt was very skilled in half-truths and some-truths. Certainly, a hundred year history of slavery and then another hundred of Jim Crow laws (all perpetrated and sustained by "good Christian Folks") offers vast opportunity for denial, deception and all around distrust.

Obviously, the answer to "where does my tendency towards knowing/not knowing begin?" - well the answer to the question is clearly "I don't know." Therapists have offered their own opinions on the answer, as have lovers and friends. Certainly ex-lovers and frenemies have felt free to give their opinions. And given that broken clocks are right at least twice a day, I cannot reject their views categorically.

I do know that I desperately want to know. I know that there is something in me that yearns for solid ground in the midst of quicksand. There is something primal that wants to believe there are actual and true answers to all of life's questions.

I want to believe in Neo from the first Matrix movie. I want to believe in Morpheus. I want to believe in Jason Bourne, and his unwavering commitment to finding the truth and not betraying it.

I want to believe in Aragorn II, that Ranger from the North, who faithfully led the Fellowship of the Ring and restored the throne of goodness - while saving the Shire from the hoards of Mordor.

The sad truth is that I want all of those things so badly, I can feel the aching in my very bones. And the even sadder truth, is that the thing I want most to be true is not - and never will be.

I do not know if there are others similarly afflicted. I tend to believe there are, but there is no way to know. I suspect that all of those movies to which I refer would not have achieved blockbuster status - were there not many others like me.

I see so many of us numbed out and distracted, there must be some truth so hideous that we must avoid it at all costs. Surely the current opioid epidemic in America - or the previous scourges of crystal meth and crack cocaine - all together seem to suggest a society hell-bent on escaping from reality. Our addictions to junk food and alcohol - or 24-hour sports programming are merely more socially acceptable (and legal) manifestations of another man's heroin.

And, of course, if you are a Southerner by birth, we must acknowledge the oldest and most prevalent addictions - fundamentalist religion and 70 hour work weeks. Both socially sanctioned and preacher approved.

So, here we are. We live in a reality not of our choosing. We live in a time where women are treated as "less than" in almost every culture on the earth. Those born to be different - whether in sexual orientation or simply in personality predisposition - are marginalized at best and physically accosted and killed at the very worst.

We live in a time of Newspeak and patriotic propaganda - and most folks blithely live in the Matrix without concern.

I wish I had an answer to what we can do. I wish I had an uplifting conclusion to how you and I should think, respond - act and live.

But today, mostly I am exhausted. So if you ask me what you should do. If you ask me if I believe it will all be ok. I certainly hope I can give you some good news.

But, truth be told, in reality. I don't know.

37° Mostly Cloudy
912 Vista Oaks Ln, Knoxville, TN, United States

Sent from my iPad