Now that's more like it...

I'm watching the 2004 film "What the Bleep Do We Know!?" which stars Marlee Matlin, and deals with quantum uncertainty. A pretty heady subject for a Hollywood film, no doubt.

All of my life, I had this feeling that was very hard to quantify. The feeling was that this world is all less real and more fantastical than anyone I knew felt. I remember in 8th grade when the teacher told me to refrain from touching the air conditioner's thermostat that I told her no one really touches anything. It is only the force of our electrons repelling each other. She was not amused.

So, in this film, the ideas of quantum physics, quantum mechanics are discussed by several intellectuals who are quite enjoyable in both their appearance and their delivery. As each of them spoke, I had the distinct joy of "I told you so!!". That is not to say that I clearly understand quantum physics, I'm not sure anyone understands quantum physics. But, they did state what has been observed. They admitted the truth that all of the seemingly confident assertions about reality, god and the universe - made by churches and philosophers since recorded time began - all of them were mostly wrong.

And all of those mystics, those "airheaded new-age thinkers" so derided by the establishment, many of them were more right than wrong. Isn't that charming?

So, the fact that I believe that sometimes - time stands still, well, I may be right. Because quantum reality is that infinite choices, infinite realities exist simultaneously. And it is my choosing one of them, my being the observer, that freezes one of them and makes it my frame of reference. My reality. My version of what is.

And, as one of the speakers explained, all reality is like this. And the only thing that makes this real is that there is an observer, someone outside of this reality who watches, who chooses, that has made this world like it is. I find that fascinating.

An observer of possibilities. Not a religious zealot, or the god of vengeance who slaughters thousands for their sins. No, one who watches. I like that idea better. After 10 years in bible school, after most of my life in church, I've found that I was sold a bill of goods. I think the only thing I believe is true from all of that are the parables of Jesus, and the miracles of goodness he did.

The other thing the film discusses is connectedness. It starts with explanations and illustrations of our brain's synapses. How memories, habits, addictions, perceptions of reality are formed and "made" in our brain. How each and every cell in our bodies is aware and how the chemicals of emotion - secreted by our hypothalamus - effect individual cells. What this means is what I have always known. I am not a monolithic static being. I am a community of millions and billions. I am ever changing and fluid. My reality is many times tenuous, fragile. My emotions seem sometimes programmed, and difficult to control because of habits and expectations.

This connectedness extends throughout reality. One speaker addresses the illusion of separateness. He asserts that, in quantum reality, there is but one thing. One thing connected intrinsically - although not obviously. But, deep down, if we pay attention, we know this.

Like the time at Foster Falls, that fall day when I was tired and thirsty from hiking. And I sat down to rest by the fall's pool. The light shimmered, the spray hanging in that lovely light that the transitional seasons bring. I remember the colored leaves that floated lightly on the waters - moving constantly because of the pounding of the falls. And at that moment of really looking. In that moment of really feeling, participating - the most amazing, life-changing thing occurred.

In an instant, I was in those falls. There was no division between falls and spray, between me and them. Time stopped. It was more like a Star Trek episode, or a scene from the Matrix, than like any stuffy, boring sermon or lecture by blowhard professors. That moment was more real than almost anything I've ever experienced. And it changed me. That moment began the transformation from the man I assumed I should be, to the man I wanted to be. The man I am.

And connectedness. That explains a lot. That explains why when I used to wake, early in the morning in bed - just as the dawn light came through the sheer curtains. And as that light fell on my ex-wife's body in her nightgown, in that moment I knew what life was about. It was about relationship, connectedness. Of shared stories and shared pains. It is about beauty. It is about the almost unspeakable joy of touching and kissing. Of caressing and tasting. Of smelling and feeling. Those things are real. And of all the moments since, with others that I love, holiday meals with my children, or walks on the beach with my lover. Even early morning moments with my cat, when she sleepily eyes me as I scratch her belly. Those moments are real.

James Dobson, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, preemptive wars and necessary compromises in Darfur. These things are lies. They are not real.

I always knew this. I could not prove it. It is comforting to know that the smartest and most dedicated scientists, who study this constantly. They cannot prove it, either. All they can do is recount what they saw. Recount what happened.

It is all I can do. It is all any of us can do. It is what is real. To tell what we see. To recount what we know. To share what what we have felt and what we have learned from feeling and seeing and smelling and tasting.

It is what is real. And, it is all that matters.