Courage, Honesty & Denial

Paul Tillich, in his book The Courage to Be, defines courage as "the power of the mind to overcome fear."

Most of us, when we think of courage, we think of the fortitude of soldiers, or police officers or other first responders. We might extend courage to those facing terminal illnesses or the loss of a spouse or child. In other words, we seem to reserve the term for those exceptional circumstances that we are unlikely to face in the everyday.

This is unfortunate. Because courage actually is an essential component of a life lived intentionally. Particularly in this age of partisanship and slanted news coverage, it takes intention and perseverance to stay on our intended course - and avoid being blown aside or away by the winds of deceit and manipulation.

It is so easy for us to repost on Facebook those things that confirm our opinions or our view of the world. It is even easier to begin to believe that our filtered view of the world is the only valid one.

It requires courage to allow the other side's arguments to pierce our armor of surety. It requires courage to consider the view of someone who - although their manner of delivery may be undesirable - their point is well taken and worth consideration.

I suspect that many great writers and thinkers - were we to meet them today - might not pass our current standards of acceptability. It has been said that Churchill could sometimes be boorish in behavior - particularly after a few drinks. Although possibly regretful, it does not diminish the value of his contributions to Britain and the world's history.

Conversely, although Barack Obama was surely one of the most decent, human beings to ever serve as a US President, his actual performance left much to be desired in my estimation. Given the character of our current president, it requires both honesty and courage of intellect to recognize Obama's failings.

But, the most important aspect of personal courage I'd like to consider is the courage we must employ throughout our lives when we face our own moral dilemmas and the various crises we face in our relationships and careers.

We all know of those who - and we know when we too - have remained silent when speaking up was necessary. Whether a gossipy friend is attacking the character of someone not in the room - or when a coworker is overpowering a weaker peer.

These are times when courage is required, because we all "run the numbers" in our head and usually can estimate the cost of speaking up. That cost may be in conflict or it may be in additional career challenges.

It is heartwarming to read of instances where a bystander has intervened in this anti-immigrant atmosphere to defend a women in a hijab or a person of color on the subway or bus. Do not forget the courage required for that person to speak up and risk retaliation.

All of these exhibitions of courage are critically important. There were many who resisted Hitler's rise to power, and most paid the price of resistance with their own lives.

The Freedom Riders in America during the Civil Rights era displayed great moral and physical courage by enduring the same beatings inflicted upon their black brothers and sisters. And some of these white, privileged protesters sacrificed their lives for their beliefs - and shared the heroes death with their black brethren.

Again, extremely noble, but not the things we encounter each day and each moment. What we do encounter much more frequently, is the courageous decision offered between honesty or denial.

Every day, life confronts us with uncomfortable truths. We are not the people we'd hoped to be, and depending upon our aspirations, we may never be. Speaking for myself, I often must apologize for words that are harsher or more critical than they should have been.

My own flaws hinder my good intentions. And in order to obtain any sort of redemption in situations and in life overall, apologies and sometimes positive corrective actions are necessary.

And you, too, can recall those times when you were forced to grudgingly acknowledge that cad of a coworker who - although abrasive in delivery - made the cogent argument that won the day. It is not easy to do so.

So, the most important courage in my estimation is that fortitude required to see ourselves and our world as it really is - warts and all - and accept that for what it is.

Without magical thinking or wishing otherwise, it requires courage to admit that - in spite of your best efforts - your marriage has failed or your company has failed or you yourself in many regards have failed in your aspirations.

My father at 51 years old, lost the business he had built and paid all his outstanding debts from his own funds rather than declare bankruptcy. I admire his courage and his adherence to his own personal moral code.

Every day, we have similar choices. We see something in our selves that we do not like. Someone asks us to do a thing we could do, but would rather not.

The easy way is to ignore our flaws and magnify our strengths. It is easy to for us to employ the "little white lie" and avoid those obligations we resent.

But each white lie - either to others or to ourselves - chips away at our soul and slowly diminishes the strength of our moral muscle.

Courage is developed by it continual exercise. Unless we practice in the small things - unless we perfect our moral compass daily in those small tests that Heaven brings our way - I fear that when the real test comes, we will find our morality lacking and our moral courage too weak.

How do we strengthen our courage? Honesty. Brutal, ruthless honesty. I suggest practicing this on ourselves, in private. Because having endured the pain of it, I suspect we will be much more gracious before employing it with those around us.

Honesty is the opposite of denial. Denial is the cowardly act of refusing to accept either unwanted or unpleasant truths.

It is difficult to acknowledge our blind spots. Any person of color can recount endless examples of the hidden biases they experience from well-meaning liberals.

It was a hard truth when I realized those biases in myself.

Denial is a drug. The more reality threatens to pierce our bubble, the more we must blow out our denial. And like cocaine, the longer its usage, the more that is required to obtain the desired effect.

Honesty, on the other hand, is a tonic. It clears the mind. It purges the soul of its infections. It strengthens our backbone so we can stand when we could collapse. It gives strength to our legs so that we can stand when we'd rather run away.

This is the heroic life. And these times surely need more heroes.

Live courageously or die pathetically.

dg

2/22/17

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