re: rejection letters

    "No" is a word that does not equivocate.  "No" is a word that is crystal clear in it's meaning.  As opposed to "maybe" or "possibly", it terminates a particular line of inquiry and suspends the continuation of entreaties.

    I think in the past, I had a very simplistic view of the word, and categorized it with other words I disliked - such as hate or steal or hurt.  But, hopefully, I've heeded some of life's lessons thus far - so I can now reconsider the value of the word.

    When - as a child - my Mom said "no" to a movie, or a sleepover, or access to the family car - I could only see a word that separated me from my wants.  And at that foolish age, I equated what I wanted to what was best for me.  I had not yet learned that there was a greater good than my own foolish desires.

    But I've found some measure of humility in the decades since, and I sometimes remember - or am reminded - of those lessons in startling fashion.  Even now, no longer a teenager, I am still capable of petulance that must make the gods cackle.

   In my seemingly never-ending quest to control the universe to my liking, I can still create a yarn so fantastical that - were it not for the showman in me - it would never be believed.  But a showman I am, and as it relates to PT Barnum, I am also the sucker born every minute.

    And as I still demand to know what I am to be if/when I ever grow up, I so much want to see the last chapter of my life and be assured it will all be worthwhile.  But as any novice Taoist can tell you, eternity lives in the present, and the present does not know what the future will bring.  But I digress...  Back to "No".

    I recently mustered the courage to force a decision on a cherished dream, a story I'd written to give meaning to a future I did not know.  My story was a divinity degree, and it seemed to answer the unanswered questions of my life.  The ones I wanted answered - NOW - on my terms.

    And I'm glad I finally took the risk - not unlike asking the girl on whom you have the secret crush to the senior prom.  Until you ask her, you won't know if she'll go - and you probably won't ask anyone else, either.

    So, for me, who at least nominally believes that life does work out for the best if you seek after God, I needed to apply to divinity school to get her answer.

    And she said "No".

At first, there was the pang of hurt pride and wounded ego at the answer.  Then, there was the (thankfully) short-lived moping that comes from not getting our way.  But then, and this is what has spurred my reconsideration of the word, then I centered myself and realized how my holding onto a path that wasn't my best was preventing me from choosing a better path.

    And when I remembered, I returned and read Tao 52:

Have faith

Follow your own shining

Be aware of your own awareness

On the darkest night you will not stumble

On the brightest day you will not blink.

And then I smiled.  And I remembered that I don't know how this all ends.  I remembered that life doesn't work that way - and isn't meant to.

    And I remembered all of the "yeses" that have come my way.  Joys that I did not seek - and many times did not deserve.  And yet they came - and I remembered the goodness of life, the joy of not knowing, of not being in charge of the world.

    And I right there decided that "No" needed a new classification.  It's a good word.  A true word.  Even, many times, a gift.
And I was thankful.

dg

6/5/2010